I wonder how many of my emotions are actual emotions, and how many are just faces I put on to look like how I'm supposed to feel. I think half the time I'm laughing just because I feel like I should, etc. Sometimes I think I'm actually completely dead inside. I feel really empty since I left OC. I feel kind of pointless actually, like a complete pile, like I'm not doing anything worthwhile. Sometimes I sit and try to make myself cry but I usually can't. I just sit and feel nothing. I think I've built up an immunity to negative emotions, maybe to positive ones as well. I think that really sucks.

Does art mean anything when it's not collaborative? I'm having the hardest time making myself practice because there is no one around. Or maybe it's just because I'm dead inside.

Maybe, consequently, life in general is pointless when it's not collaborative. How much of what we feel is original, and how much feeds off the people around us? Like, I hardly ever laugh when I'm watching a movie by myself, but when people are around I'm completely obnoxious. Hmm. Nothing feels like an experience when I'm by myself, it doesn't mean anything until I share it with someone.

Frick, I'm tired.