I realize this may be a little silly, but blogger, for some crazy reason, would not allow me to include this blog in my Gmail account. And as my Northwestern account will not exist for much longer, I exported the blog to a different address:

http://pavement-tune.blogspot.com

I'm probably being ridiculous and there's probably a much easier way to solve this dilemma, but we persevere. In any case, I won't be updating at this URL any more. Peace out.

Some things that happened in 2008:

Rang in the new year at Sara's with Brian rolling down her backyard hill.

Gave a violin recital.

Went to ACTF and rocked the piano for Matthew and Tracey.

Student taught, and had a blast.

Auditioned for grad schools.

For the first real time in my life, tasted cold, nasty rejection.

Took Counterpoint with J-C.

Graduated college, almost suma cum laude.

Said goodbye to who will remain the coolest people I have ever known.

Worked for the first (and with any luck the last) time as a waitress, and met some crazy, fantastic folk.

Toured for two weeks with the Guard band.

Spent endless awesomely bored summer nights at Justine's, and Memorial Park. We had plans, man.

Moved to Minneapolis with Matt, Lindsay and Nate.

Paid bills for the first real time.

Started working for The Man at Gap. Then started a private studio of sorts. Then started substitute teaching.

Auditioned into a FABULOUS orchestra.

Saw Ben Folds in concert and screamed my ass off.

Saw Joan Baez in concert and my life was changed.

Saw Prairie Home Companion live and was... perplexed.

Said goodbye to Justine, the love of my life, for eighteen months.

Was promoted to Sergeant in the Army. Weird.

Found what will hopefully become my spiritual community, as it were. Solomon's Porch in Minneapolis.



I've done the whole "look through the journal and write down stand-out-ish portions" thing... so read if you like, more for my benefit than anything. Although, be warned that the times when I write in my journal are usually the times when I'm feeling totally lame and quasi-poetic. So take with a grain of salt, or some other better-suited idiom.

My recital is coming. Like the plague. The plague followed by cake and punch.

Update: middle schoolers have ADD.

When driving back to OC after drill, break, etc., I find the sight of the obnoxious orange water tower extremely comforting.

Saw Terror Texts today. Sarah Palsma is a goddess.

WHY do the gods of grad school think I have nothing to offer? Is Iowa SUCH a foreign country?

I ran out of peanut butter so today I had to pack a jelly sandwich.

It is strange and theraputic how messy my apartment is right now.

Although much of myself is throwing a complete tantrum, screaming through a sizeable amount of swear words that everything I've worked for in my entire life as a musician turned out to be a total bust, my long-suppressed inner legitimate adult is rolling her eyes and scolding me to get an f-ing hold on myself and grow the hell up. This is not the end of my life.

I think my greatest talent is transforming completely insignificant events into Shakespearean tragedies in my head.

I have yet to find an ail that cannot be cured, or at least ameliorated, by Adam Sandler night at Rae's.

For those of you who have not heard: John Hodgman is a GENIUS.

I have figured out that whether or not I'm a total cynic or a total idealist is largely dependent on how much coffee I've had.

Why am I so afraid of silence?

I like the thought of possibility, the idea that a person can live without detachment, with pain and righteous anger and with full, untainted joy at the simpleness of beauty and the capacity to be loved.

Why am I such a tool when I'm in Huron?

I think that life, like art, is pointless when it's not collaborative.

I had a dream last night that Barack Obama had a HUGE afro.

It is strange that God and Satan, these transitory, ambiguous concepts, are supposedly messing with my brain from outside, my inner monologue determined from without, not within. Isn't it more likely that God and Satan are just tangible conceptualizations of things that are inborn? Is the choice to follow God really no more complicated than choosing to do good things rather than bad? To choose to listen to the better parts of myself?

"The poet only asks to get his head into the heavens. It is the logician who seeks to get the heavens into his head. And it is his head that splits."
- Chesterton

I wonder if the person I am actually exists, or if I'm just a reflection of random parts of other people.

My ideals aren't my own. They're pieces of other people's long-developed passion that I've pirated to make myself feel more worthwhile. The question is, can they be made personal to me? Or in time, will they wither and die, leaving me an older and fatter version of who I was before I went to college?

I hate dormancy.

I want to go back to England, where the earth feels alive of love.

I cannot be an island. I cannot make my own life. I need to be part of a bigger picture.

The world is at peace when I'm here, Memorial Park.

I want to find where self worth comes from.

I wonder if there is hope for redemption. For myself, and the world. I wonder what it takes for people to change for the better.

"We are healthy only to the extent that our ideas are humane."
- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

God, let me not wear my ideas like badges. Let cities live, and art save and destroy me for the better. Let peace be a verb.

Three cures for any ail:
1) stargazing
2) That Thing You Do
3) Joan Baez, "Diamonds and Rust". Belted out. From an empty stage at the fairgrounds.

Long-distance friendships are possible, and necessary.

Home is more a state of mind than a place. I do not need external affirmation of belonging, if I belong to myself. Wherever myself finds purpose, there I am home. In Steph's basement, in Kathleen's apartment, in my car parked full of my belongings, at Memorial Park, in London, Orange City, Huron, Burnsville, Chihuahua - there I am home, if I bring myself.

I think that Justine is a huge part of my feeling of legitimacy.

It is possible for things to not be a big deal, if I decide that they're not a big deal. For instance: muddy shoes on MY dining room table? Will this matter in ten years? I'll have to think on that.

Money is a powerful, legitimate force.

The reasons why four-year-olds should not take piano lessons are infinite in nature.

Excessive swearing isn't as offensive as it is tiresome. And downright embarrassing.

Consult with roommates before going grocery shopping, or you just might end up with eighty servings of oatmeal in the pantry.

It sucks to be on the receiving end of evangelism.

To God or spirit, or something more worthwhile than myself: I pray for discernment. I pray for peace, in every sense of the word. I pray for life. I pray for art. Save it all from itself.

I am the most destructive force in my life. Actually: the single most deadly enemy in life is lethargy. Lack of energy. Sleepiness. I am so sleepy. God, are your eyelids heavy?

I. Hate. Drunk. People.

I cannot register that Justine is gone.

Today I cooked for the first time. It was awesome and expensive.

I think that if Sara weren't here I would fall down dead.

I need to understand my own insignificance.

Joan freaking Baez is completely PROPHETIC.

God, I need you, or something like you. I need you to tear off my cynicism and let me see your beauty as you meant it to be seen.

I do search, but not well.

There is love, in me and around me, always, even when I can't or choose not to see it. It is there, and will be there, absolutely no matter what.

Today, the amount of love I feel is huge. I am storing it here for when I need it later.

There is so much doubt, insecurity, sadness, depression, egocentrism, cynicism, closemindedness in this world, in every person, around ever corner. But there is hope also, and humor, and betterment, and compassion. Which I choose today is under my control.

Hope is a gift. Even more, FAITH is a gift.

There is nothing not futile about physical intimacy. The moment lived, prolonged, loved, impassioned - but always, always over.

This is not life. It is an hours-long wait for a two-minute ride.







So there's THAT.

Also!!!!

Favorite music from this year...

As always, Beatles, Dylan, McLean, etc. to infinity they are my SOUL. But some new artists/albums I've discovered:
Iron & Wine, "Our Endless Numbered Days"
The Frames, "Set List"
Elliott Smith, "XO" and "Figure 8"
The Fireman, "Electric Arguments"
The Avett Brothers, "Live, Vol. 2" and "Emotionalism"
Jenny Lewis, "Rabbit Fur Coat"
Original Soundtrack, "I'm Not There"
Andrew Bird, "Armchair Apocrypha"
Sufjan Stevens, "Come On! Feel the Illinoise!"
The Killers, "Hot Fuss"
David Bowie, "Changesbowie" (guilty pleasure)
Snow Patrol, "Final Straw"
Joan Baez, "Day After Tomorrow" and "Ring Them Bells"
Don McLean, "Tapestry"
Cloud Cult, "Feel Good Ghosts"
Mojo, "Revolver Reloaded"
Wilco, "Being There"



Some books I've read, sadly can't remember all of them...

Flannery O'Connor's short stories
Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Breakfast of Champions, Slaughterhouse Five, Deadeye Dick
G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy
Truman Capote, Breakfast at Tiffany's
Jack Kerouac, On the Road
Thich Nhat Hahn, Living Buddha, Living Christ
Steven Hall, The Raw Shark Texts

Olena Kalytiak Davis, shattered sonnets love cards and other off and back handed importunities
Dave Eggers, What Is the What
John Hodgman, The Areas of My Expertise


That's all she wrote, I think. Yawny yawn, it's bedtime!

It has been a pretty awful week. But, a thing I need to remember:

I have awesome friends. Seriously. Phone relationships are infinitely better than no relationships. The only thing I lack is snuggling which is difficult over the phone but not impossible.

I have lately been listening to The Arcade Fire. They do not suck.

Yesterday four out of seven scheduled students forgot they had a lesson. But my previously tone deaf voice student stayed on pitch for over half the lesson which I count as a huge victory. I'm still in a good mood from that.

Oh, and in TWO WEEKS I start violin lessons!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS ABOUT FREAKING TIME. GAHH!!! Excitement!

Subbing has been fun, actually. There have been moments when the thought crosses my mind that I could actually do this for a living - teach music, I mean. In a school. I like the kids. I like having something important to give them. Then I remember why I can't do it. It BREAKS MY HEART to give fifteen minute lessons. I have a constant feeling of being interrupted, like I never get to finish a thought, like I can never quite say what I want to say because by the time we get in a proper warm-up there are three minutes left before the student has to go back to class. It kills me. Especially when the student WANTS to learn, WANTS more time, but can't get it. GAHHHHHHH. But then, teaching privately isn't quite right either. It breaks my heart just as much to HAVE the proper amount of time and resources for a lesson, but half the time it's like pulling teeth to get the kid to practice. Or they sit there with an attitude and don't want to take my advice. They don't know how lucky they are (just like I didn't know how lucky I was) to have parents supportive enough, and wealthy enough, to finance their music education, and they take it for granted.

I guess I just have to believe that whatever musical seeds I'm planting will grow into something good in the end, even if I won't see it happen.

Something else I've learned: I am NOT cut out to teach beginners. It is so unnatural for me. And no way do I have the patience. Some days I think that if I see one more kid pick his nose and then play the piano with the same fingers I will surely vomit on the buggary keys.

in memoriam

28 years ago today, John Lennon was shot.

His is a story of personal failure, a search for inner peace, a fight for social justice, an artistic passion big enough to inspire millions.

He was, underneath it all, just one more human who discovered his ability to hurt those he loved. He made a choice to transform a downward spiral of drugs, anger, insecurity, and ignorance into a revolutionary campaign for peace - peace within himself, peace among those he loved, and peace among the nations of the world.

This is a story of fame and fortune, yes, and of beautiful art, yes, but mostly it is a story of the ability of one impossibly weak and violent human to choose peace over conflict.

And that, if anything, gives me hope.

John, I miss you.

I'm still blown away by Living Buddha, Living Christ. I have read it twice. Please read these. These are principles of Buddhism, but it read like a fresh insight into the teachings of Jesus. I have been mulling them over all week. I espcially love the last part of the "cultivating compassion" paragraph.

The Jewels of Our Own Tradition

1. Cultivating Compassion
Aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life, I vow to cultivate compassion and learn ways to protect the lives of people, animals, plants, and minerals. I am determined not to kill, not to let others kill, and not to condone any act of killing in the world, in my thinking and in my way of life.

2. Cultivating Loving-Kindness
Aware of the suffering caused by exploitation, social injustice, stealing, and oppression, I vow to cultivate loving-kindness and learn ways to work for the well-being of people, animals, plants and minerals. I vow to practice generosity by sharing my time, energy, and material resources with those who are in real need. I am determined not to steal and not to possess anything that should belong to others. I will respect the property of others, but I will prevent others from profiting from human suffering or the suffering of other species on Earth.

3. The Oneness of Body and Mind
Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I vow to cultivate responsibility and learn ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society. I am determined to not to engage in sexual relations without love and long-term commitment. To preserve the happiness of myself and others, I am determined to respect my commitments and the commitments of others. I will do everyting in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples from being broken by sexual misconduct.

4. Unmindful Speech Can Kill
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I vow to cultivate loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I vow to learn to speak truthfully, with words that inspire self-confidence, joy, and hope. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to criticize or condemn things of which I am not sure. I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or the community to break. I will make all efforts to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small.

5. Mindful Consuming
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful consumption, I vow to cultivate good health, both physical and mental, for myself, my family, and my society by practicing mindful eating, drinking, and consuming. I vow to ingest only items that preserve peace, well-being, and joy in my body, in my consciousness, and in the collective body and consciousness of my family and society. I am determined not to use alcohol or any other intoxicant or to ingest foods or other items that contain toxins, such as TV prorams, magazines, books, films, and conversations. I am aware that to damage my body is to betray my ancestors, my parents, my society, and future generations. I will work to transform violence, fear, anger, and confusion in myself and in society by practicing a diet for myself and for society. I understand that a proper diet is crucial for self-transformation and for the transformation of society.

I have to wonder about human nature. I don't think it's just because I am chronically passive-aggressive that I get so upset when people act like belligerent assholes for no apparent reason. At some point you have to think, isn't life more enjoyable when you choose to contribute positively to a community?

I've been reading a book called "Living Buddha, Living Christ", by Thich Nhat Hahn. It's claiming that Buddhism and Christianity aren't that removed from each other, that they're based on the same principles of peace, love and service, just walking a slighty different path to reach the same goal. Buddhism resonates me way more than I thought it would. It's such an introspective religion, based on the idea that it is impossible to achieve peace among people, much less among nations, if we can't first make peace within ourselves. So self-knowledge becomes central to spiritual development. Christianity I guess is much more based on God-knowledge, like my journey as a Christian is based on how well I know God, rather than myself.

The book refers a lot to the gnostic gospels, and how ideas presented by Jesus in these texts are similar to Buddhist teachings. Listen: (from the gospel of Thomas)

Jesus said, "If those who lead you say to you, 'Look, the Kingdom is in the sky,' then the birds of the sky will get there first. If they say, 'It is in the sea,' then the fish will get there first. Rather, the Kingdom is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to know yourselves, then you will become known, and you will realize that it is you who are the children of the living Father. But if you will not know yourselves, then you dwell in poverty, and it is you who are that poverty."

'It is you who are that poverty.' That is fantastically true.

Another thing that Buddhism stresses is the importance of living in the moment, experiencing every thing in every day to its fullest, not being obsessed with the past or future.

I love it. Here's another favorite passage:

"Until there is peace between religions, there can be no peace in the world. People kill and are killed because they cling too tightly to their own beliefs and ideologies. When we believe that ours is the only faith that contains the truth, violence and suffering will surely be the result. ...Do not think the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. Learn and practice nonattachment from views in order to be open to receive others' viewpoints. This is the most essential practice of peace."

Right from my heart, man. I love this book. You should read it.

This blog entry is completely dedicated to the fact that I am currently engaged in facebook chat with Tim McGarvey. That is all.