don't you step on my blue suede shoes

For four years, I have agitatedly wondered why I lose all sense of social competency when at Guard drill. I am happy to say that, after countless weekends of awkwardness, insecurity and despair, I have finally solved the puzzle.

Two words:

Combat boots.

Seriously.

Nothing can strip a woman of her confidence more swiftly and completely than huge clunky dirt-colored clown feet.