depths of God and music

i'm okay.

and it's weird to say this. because i really don't have much reason to be content with my life. it's odd that i have so much, or trick myself into thinking so. what i lack is actually what matters. and for some reason i'm okay with that.

i'm not sure what is different about this year than last year. last year i was a basket case most of the time. i suppose there came a point at some time that it became literally too depressing to think about my life without taking some kind of drastic negative action. why is it different now? spiritually i haven't changed. i haven't grown. i continue to not read my Bible, i continue to have a next-to-nothing prayer life.

it's nice not being depressed all the time. but i rather wonder if it's actually a good thing, to be immune to all of that. if i continue to think that i'm happy, when will i actually gain any kind of lasting commitment to God?

i'm busy. i'm too busy to think about these things. and i like it that way. violin is satisfying. it's three-dimensional. it's tangible. it's comprehensible from a human standpoint.

the thing is that music is sometimes the only thing i can really understand, really be comfortable with. it's the only thing i can make visible progress in.

it's also very easy to detach myself from. make it a science, like the greeks. nothing deeper, nothing spiritual, nothing emotional. a pulse. a pitch. a rhythm. a rest. down bow. spiccato. but all these elements are supposed to combine to mean something bigger. like God. it's easier to measure his physical power than to measure his invisible qualities - love, wrath, mercy, justice. all these things that we can see, that seem concrete, are so much easier to think about than his mystery, than the things that somehow make him so much bigger than even the grandest of his creation.

it's that element that's missing from any music i make. it's that element that's missing from any relationships i make. it's that element (no matter how pathetic it is that this figures into my thinking) that has kept me from having a boyfriend my entire life.

depth. i don't think anything about me is deep. it's easier to stay on the surface. it's less painful. less confusing. less scary.

i'm afraid if i did begin to make spiritual progress i wouldn't have time for everything else. i would fall behind. i already don't practice enough. i feel like i'm hopelessly behind musically. nowhere near where i should be. i don't want to be thrown off track.

but maybe i was never on the right track to begin with.