dear ridiculous waitress:

news flash: LIFE IS NOT MORE FUN WITH A PERPETUAL STICK UP YOUR ASS.

seriously.

if your goal is REALLY to reduce my self esteem to nil by hurling vile insults my way for things like, I don't know, the manner in which I screw the lids on the syrup containers, you may be surprised to hear that my self confidence comes from elsewhere. It might serve you better to critique something like the way I can't stop thinking about how fun it would be to slide my foot in front of you while you're carrying a tray full of biscuits and gravy. That would probably be more merited, anyway.