as i watch the drops of rain...

I find myself inevitably and continuously convicted of how much I suck at life. Seriously. As my senior year has unfolded I've prided myself in finally getting it together, having healthy priorities and a more mature, balanced perspective. But I'm pretty sure just thinking those thoughts is evidence of deeper levels of effed-up-ness. Honest to God, I feel like destroying something. We spend four years at college preparing, preparing, preparing, jumping through hoops as a means to an end, assuming that soon we will arrive somewhere and it will all be worth it. But when happens when we leave here? We get a job? And then work to get a better one? So that first job is really just a hoop we jump through to prepare for something bigger, hoping that when we arrive there it will be worth it? But what if life is really just a progression of things leading to the next thing and I never actually arrive anywhere? I'll be 80 years old, looking back, thinking, well, that sucked.

Problems don't go away, they just change shape. Or I deal with them differently. Freshman year I dealt with them by not letting myself think about anything else, wallowing in debilitating depression and waiting for someone to pull me out. I got tired of that so I changed to an "ignorance is bliss" mindset for awhile and didn't allow myself to think about anything at all. Now I'm somewhere in the middle... playing the game and pretending to be an awesomely motivated good little Northwestern student while my insides want to puke up all the shit that my mind works so hard to suppress. Every once in awhile it rears its ugly head and hopefully whomsoever is around doesn't die from the shock.

Holy crap I'm feeling emo.