"insights"

things about myself that have been affirmed in the past week:

1) i don't like talking to people who are opinionated. which makes no sense, because thinking that people should not be opinionated is in itself an opinion.

2) i live off of others' perception of myself.

3) i think the best at obscene hours of the morning. i also think the most depressedly at obscene hours of the morning. in general, i think the most at obscene hours of the morning.

4) the idea of moral absolutes both frightens and angers me.

5) being in music performance as a career and living for God seem to be polar opposites in more ways than one. how do you correct another person's shortcomings without insulting their own musical offering to God? how can i have musical standards for myself without looking down on those of others who aren't so particular about quality, and in doing so deem their music as lesser quality of worship? what is "quality" of worship, anyway? since worship is for God and not for me, should quality even be an issue? am i wasting my time chasing after a goal that doesn't even matter?

6) i am disturbingly hypocritical.

7) i hate conflict.

8) a majority of the things that bother me about other people are really traits that i myself have, but just don't vocalize. i hate them in other people because i know that they're part of myself.

9) when dealing with spiritual/philosophical issues, i can only function in extremes: either i'm ignoring them completely or i allow them to take over every facet of my life, causing me to be completely useless. and when i'm taking a zillion credits and insist on being in every musical ensemble ever, the only option is really to pretend the problems aren't there. neither extreme is healthy, and neither extreme is more helpful than the other, but it's definitely easier at this point to ignore my problems than to attempt to begin to deal with them.

solution: drop out of school and join a freaking nunnery.

i'm going to bed.