estrogen leaks

sometimes he occupies my thoughts.
then, i wonder...why does he fascinate me? when i look at him i see someone to whom i am inferior in every way.

but he sees me as an equal.

he's just a person. and people have faults. people are dirty. what is it that makes him seem head and shoulders taller than anyone i've ever met? and when will the day come when i see why he isn't?

one day i made him laugh. it seemed so odd, that i could affect him in such a simple, yet such a profoundly satisfying way. shouldn't his superior maturity and intellect keep him from deriving pleasure from my shallow musings?

my mind wanders.

how could i settle for less?

since when do i let things affect me like this? since when do i actually allow my mind to entertain such pointless, idealistic thoughts, about something as juvenile as a girlish infatuation? and when i do let these thoughts leak into my self-proclaimed controlled psyche, why are they always centered on someone so impossibly out of reach?

i should be better than this.