it's all going to be okay

It has been a humbling week.

I have spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself, which is not as effective as you might think. The truth is I'm used to getting what I want. Something in this culture says if you work hard and want something enough you can do whatever the frick you want.

Not true.

Unless Cleveland takes pity on me, grad school will not happen. It's interesting. I feel like a huge loser, because I have given up so much for this over the past four years. I have given up relationships that could have happened or been made stronger, sleep that would have made me healthier, homework that would have made me smarter - for something that ultimately failed miserably. And now that I'm finishing up at Northwestern, my biggest regret is that I didn't invest more in people. It's so weird that at this college that stresses community so much, I didn't have time for relationships. And now it's too late.

But I am feeling better. I spent this weekend with friends, even met some new people. I might move to Minneapolis next year, and eventually London will happen. Depending on how I feel I might try grad school again next year - start up a private violin studio in Minneapolis for the time being, see if I can take lessons from someone marginally awesome, and take life as it comes. For now it is inexplicably comforting to know that I will be living with friends - with artists. I will not waste away by myself.

I am taking deep breaths and making the most of every minute I have left here.

Things could be much, much worse.