all i have is yours, all you see is mine

Being at Guards is a lot like being at high school. Except I was weirdly fortunate enough to avoid much of the typical high-school-ness when I was actually in high school, so really Guards is more like high school than high school itself. It makes me want to puke in my mouth sometimes. All the gossip, cliques, who-slept-with-who... you're not cool if you're not drunk... but maybe it's not high school. Maybe it's just humanity. And I hate that I'm like that. I hate that I'd still stoop to whatever level to make people like me. In high school it seems like I didn't have to work too hard to make friends or feel okay about myself, but that's probably hindsight playing tricks on me. I feel really small when I'm here. I feel small because people are intimidating, small because I know no matter how much I try I can't make people like me, small because I have become detached from whatever "values" or whatever that I once thought defined me... pretty much there's not much left that defines who I am because I spend all my energy trying to make myself into someone completely different.

As usual... it all boils down to comparing my life to television. An abridged conversation from Scrubs:

Elliot: "Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and wish you were different in every single way?"

Janitor: "If you want to change... then just change."

I wish it were that easy.