worth

down with self-pity. i am such a pathetic creature. how dare i sit here on my butt, surrounded by people who are not rapists and thieves and murderers, not stranded in some parking lot or crowded into a stadium or stranded on a roof, my room filled with things i own, things given to me, things that to me represent my "success" in life, things that haven't been viciously stripped away by disaster -- and have the gall to complain that things aren't going my way? how dare i claim to feel unwelcome, unloved, unaccepted, unneeded, when i'm surrounded by so much more than 99% of the people in this world -- including all the helpless souls stranded in louisiana/mississippi -- could ever dream of?
i am caught in a trap. i can let go of all this nonsense i try to gain worth and satisfaction from, or i can pointlessly keep attempting to find happiness somewhere in the depths of this perverted, disgusting world. where do i find purpose? in trying to make friends? to keep them? to make them think i'm somehow different or special? in music? in beating my BRAINS out trying to make myself rise above the rest, making people think that for some reason whatever God-given talent i have makes me worthy of their time?
the more i try to reveal the mysteries of my own mind/motivation, the more i come to think that there is something inherently wrong in my brain. something makes it impossible for me to let go and trust God. what is it about man that makes me think their opinions matter? no matter how much i pray, how much i wish, how much i ask for some miracle to make me have faith and BELIEVE that i really am worth something in Christ, and through Him i can really accomplish something worthwhile -- no matter how much i think i want it, it never comes to pass. because there is something within my nature that makes it physically impossible for me to give up control. SOMETHING makes me hold on to the worthlessness of this world. when it comes down to it, i think i can say with reasonable confidence that at this point i value the opinions of man more than the opinions of God.