beyond the reach of optimism

it's the start of another week. oh wait, it's already wednesday. dang. time is already passing before my rather unwilling eyes - it's scary sometimes how fast the days go by, especially when i'm here and too busy to be able to really process it all.
last night we had our first d-group, led by marly, sarah and susan. it was great to get to know my wingies a little better. it's hard having so many freshmen on our wing, especially since most of them are in athletics and aren't around much. i hope i'll be able to get to know them better; right now i'm lucky if i can even remember their names.
anyway, at the end of d-group we offered prayer requests. the war, the hurricane, deaths, illnesses, depression, drugs...just listening to us talk was enough to depress anyone. i've been having a rather difficult time keeping a positive attitude lately. i know that as christians we should have hope and joy even in the face of such devastation, but at the moment optimism seems completely out of reach. where are we to find this hope? we are so fragile, so temporary, so dispensable. one girl talked about a little boy in town who just fell over dead. no warning, no signal, no anything. he had an enlarged heart, and they didn't know about it. a little kid. it seeks to put into perspective our complete lack of control over ANYTHING. it should be comforting to me that something so much huger than me is in control of my life, but i find myself trying desperately (and failing miserably) to have a say in my own destiny, in the direction of my life. then something like hurricane katrina happens and i realize that i am completely helpless.
it's easy to push it aside and say nothing like that could ever happen to me. but how am i exempt from danger? it seems that my perfect little life here in pleasantville, iowa is a ticking bomb. i've made it nineteen years without any kind of significant disaster. how much longer can it last? am i prepared? can i honestly say beyond the shadow of a doubt that if i died today i would be in heaven? would i be satisfied with what i've accomplished on earth so far? i'm pretty sure i'd have to say no. i don't know that i've accomplished anything, sacrificed anything, given up any significant part of myself for God.